


The 1D Panic

by Momma_Char_17



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Post-Zayn One Direction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-29 12:59:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17203859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momma_Char_17/pseuds/Momma_Char_17
Summary: A fifth of his world just walked away. Niall has not processed Zayn leaving and has been suffering in silence until Liam has his eyes opened for him. Together they will walk through the pain of Niall's breaking heart and come out on the other side. But not without some messiness of emotions.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My take of post-Zayn world with Niall's anxiety. I have created a fictional character, Wally, as tour manager since Paul left. All aspects are figments of my imagination. Thoughts of suicide with a brief glimpse of self-harm. Apologies for common grammar errors.

Liam felt the guilt sink deep into his chest. He should have known. He was the one who should have seen it first.

But it wasn’t him. Lou brought it to his attention.

He had been sitting in the stylist’s chair scrolling through Twitter before an afternoon taping of a talk show interview and performance. She lightly chatted about things from home and being on the road. They had finished their Northern European leg of the tour and now they were promoting the American tour that started in a few days. But then, her tone changed. “Everything good with Niall?”

His fingers froze over his phone. “Yeah, why?”

“He’s just off.” Her voice was full of concern and absolutely zero judgement. 

Lou had been with the guys for years and had seen them all at their various states of life. From the good days to the bad and even the ugliest of days, she’d been a constant Liam was thankful for over the years. 

Things, of course, had been somewhat off in the group since Zayn’s departure and no one really blamed each other. Louis and Harry spent more time disappearing conveniently together, much to management’s shagrin. Liam, himself, spent more time submerged in his phone texting Sophie or his mum. They were the ones he shared his feelings with about Zayn up and leaving the band. 

Niall hadn’t seemed any different to him. “We’re all off.” Liam looked up at the reflection of Lou in the mirror. 

Her hands, loaded with gel, ran through his hair. “I understand.” She started to say something but quit. Focusing back on her task at hand.

The pair were silent for a minute both lost in their own thoughts. Liam watched his friend of many years and knew she wanted to say more. And Lou wasn’t one to normally hold things back. “What is it, Lou?” He prompted.

She shook her head remaining silent battling to hold back what was trapped inside. Liam could swear her eyes were shining a bit with tears. He reached up and lightly grabbed her wrist and pulled her around, so he could look at her in the face. “Lou.” He encouraged gently.

“It just. Caroline was mentioning the other day that she’s having to take in his trousers, mate.” Her voice was soft with guilt as she revealed a secret against her friend. “And Liam, his nails.” 

Liam closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. He hadn’t noticed Niall chewing his nails again. It was a nervous habit he’d had since he was a boy and during the first tour with all the nerves, the mass amounts of crowds and stress of touring, his nail beds had gone to pot with all the gnawing Niall did to them. He had seemed to finally break that habit after the boys, Lou and management had finally called him on it enough times. 

Liam nodded and gave Lou a gentle pat on the hand. “I’ll keep an eye out.” 

Lou gave a weak smile and then went back finishing up Liam’s perfectly sculpted qualf of hair. Liam was lost in his thoughts the rest of their time together until Lou declared him perfect.

Returning to their Green Room, he entered to an intense FIFA game on the telly between Louis and Niall. They both were laughing and calling each other names. Liam breathed a sigh of relief as he was saw the normal Niall cursing and carrying on in typical fashion. Maybe Caroline and Lou were mistaken. 

He walked across the Green Room where Harry was browsing through the elaborate spread of food for their grazing. He picked at some grapes and popped them in his mouth. “You see Niall eat anything today?” He asked casually popping in another grape. 

Harry gave him a weird look. “No?” His voice rose in a question.

Liam just smiled and turned back towards the other two boys. Wally Hawkins, their newest tour manager and the handler with the most responsibility, popped in the door, “Louis, you’re supposed to be with Lou!” He fussed as per the normal.

“Shit.” He muttered and looked at Niall with a shrug of his shoulders. “Sorry, mate.”

Niall dropped the controller and then Liam saw it. Niall’s fingers went right to his mouth where he went to work on his cuticles. Liam shook his head and made his way to the couch. He plopped down next to Niall who dropped his hand and hid it under his thigh. Guilt flushed over him as he refused to make eye contact.

Niall could feel the heat flash across his face and course through his whole body. He still felt the dulling sting of his nail where he ripped the skin from the cuticle bed as it hid under his thigh. He could still taste the rust from the blood. And he could feel Liam’s eyes; almost as if they were boring deep into his soul.

“Give me your hands.” He commanded gently but with a level of authority that caused Niall’s stomach to clench.

Tears waged their battle as he shook his head in a soft no. Liam clenched his jaw controlling the sudden surge of anger and frustration. He felt so protective of Niall, always had, but sometimes he had the responsibility to protect Niall from himself. 

With a released, tense breath, “Please, Ni.” He pleaded gingerly. 

A tear slipped silently down his cheek as Niall slowly pulled out his hand from the safety of its hiding place. They shook as he softly placed them on Liam’s awaiting palms. “Nialler.” He chastened. 

Niall attempted to pull back, but Liam had grabbed the right wrist, examining the worst fingers. Blood dried around the edges of the swollen and torn skin. “How long have you been doing this again?” He tried to keep the accusation out, but it still had the underlining edge causing Niall’s face to crumple more with guilt and shame. 

Using his free hand, Niall swiped at the few tears. He choked on the lump in his throat. Swallowing the anxiety and panic that threatened to make him bolt, he finally looked up at Liam. Concern colored his face, but his eyes were steady and waiting. “Not long.” He barely whispered. A light pink flashed across his cheeks as he lied, and he helplessly tugged back is hand in attempts of escaping.

The evidence, however, spoke definitely. Pink scars lined down to his first knuckle on at least three of his five fingers on his right hand. Liam grabbed, a little too rough, the left hand and examined it closely. The most recent abuse glistened red with fresh blood. 

Liam, keeping a close grip on Niall’s wrist, managed to get to his feet. “Come with me.” 

Feeling like a scolded child, Niall couldn’t resist even if he wanted to as Liam pulled him to his feet with ease. A roll of guilt rocked Liam as he felt with what ease he was able to lift Niall. Throwing Niall around had never been a challenge, but the difference in weight was noticeable.

Fighting the urge to comment on his lack of weight, Liam huffed before putting an arm around Niall’s slim shoulders. “We’ll go take care of those nails.” He stressed the we instead of sending Niall on his own. 

The pair walked out of the Green Room and crossed the short hallway in silence. Lots of commotion surrounded them, but the two moved around it without being noticed. They walked into the dressing room as Lou was putting on the final touches of Louis’ hair and make-up. 

Louis looked up and smiled. “Perfect timing, Ni!” He greeted before hopping out of the styling chair with his easy gait and goofy smile. Niall attempted to return it, but his stomach churned, so his feet were much more interesting. 

Lou gave Liam a small smile as she saw him enter with a downcasted Niall. “Have a good show, Louis.” She say to the retreating boy. “Hi, Niall.” Her voice squeaked out.

Liam directed Niall to the now vacated chair and watched carefully as Niall clambered up looking nervous, hands hidden in the shirt sleeves. Lou silently watched as well feeling the uneasy feeling as she observed the sad blonde. The guilt of exposing his secret weighed heavily, but she had missed his hearty laugh and his thousand watt smile. 

Niall shifted uncomfortably in the chair and had to stop the urge to bring his hand to his mouth at least twice. Liam didn’t miss it either. His broad eyebrows lifting each time he saw Niall’s hands twitch. “Lou, you got that vitamin oil?” She knew exactly what he was talking about.

Groaning, Niall pushed his hands under his thighs again. He hated that oil. Yes, it did it’s job at soothing the tattered and torn skin, but it burned where the skin was cut and it tasted awful. That fact was the selling point when Lou had suggested it. Whatever is in that oil helped heal the skin, but it also deterred Niall from putting his hands back into his mouth even after washing. 

Lou went to her massive makeup crate where her life’s work was stored and rummaged through looking for her little bottle. It had lost its position in top drawer after everyone thought Niall had broken the habit. She found it finally and turned to Niall. He had drawn himself in and looked so small. His legs tucked up to his chest with Liam hovering nearby. 

Most boys didn’t join each other for their time with Lou though it wasn’t completely uncommon. But Liam’s presence made Lou’s heart pound in her ears. She came to stand in front of Niall and with the softest expression she could muster, she put her hand out. 

Niall sucked in his bottom lip and started gnawing on it. Lou quickly noticed and reached up slowly to tap his lips. “Don’t start that, please.” 

Liam, who hadn’t seen what she was talking about, gave her a curious look. “Niall, let Lou look at your hands.” Niall shuddered at Liam’s command. Liam had a role as being Daddy Direction and though he had definitely relaxed since the beginning, being corrupted by the other boys’ carefree side, he still held an intimidating air about him. When he spoke in his Daddy Direction voice, his shoulders sagged in defeat. 

Lou rubbed her hands loving over Niall’s knee until she got to where his hands were tucked securely away from sight. Pulling gently, his hand appeared from within the sleeve. She noted the raw skin and even the scars. This was probably the worse she’d seen him been in since their first discovery. “Niall.” Her words gasped out in shock.

Instantly he pulled back. Trying to hide away. Tears leaking at her tone of disappointment. A weight landed with a thud in his chest. “’m sorry.”

The hand that didn’t hold Niall’s carded through the fake blonde hair. “I need to clean it up before I put the oil on it. Hold tight.” 

She crossed the room to where the small bathroom stood. The two boys heard the sink running. Liam remained hovering over Niall’s shoulder. Niall could feel his presence. It was overwhelming and his breath kept getting stuck in his throat. 

Hearing the change in Niall’s breathing, Liam reached out his hands and squeezed the back of Niall’s neck. “Breath, mate. Deep breath. It’ll be ok.” He coached.

Liam’s words penetrated Niall’s mind and released the hold on his throat. Air rushed through bringing with it a relief to his burning lungs. Liam coaxed another breath into Niall. “There ya go.” He encouraged.

Lou returned with a wet flannel. The earlier fight defeated, Niall willingly gave Lou his hands when she asked for them. With a gentleness of a mother, she swipes away the dried and fresh blood. “I’m going to need to trim them.” She noted some snags of skin that pulled against the rub of the flannel. Niall nodded in understanding. With the skin trimmed short, it would also prevent him gnawing.

Making as quick and precise work as possible, she doctored up Niall’s battered fingers. The tears had ceased and his breathing had even. Liam’s hand rested on the back on his neck with his thumb circling softly. Niall was thankful for the comfort. The oil burned his nostrils and the familiar smell made his stomach clench in anxiety.

As Lou finished with his nails, she turned her attention to Niall’s hair. Pushing aside Liam, she took her position behind the blonde boy, Liam came to stand in front of his younger brother. Niall attempted to avoid any eye contact with Liam. He just couldn’t bring himself to look at him.

“Nialler.” Liam tried but Niall just closed his eyes. The air in his lungs began burning again.

Not giving up, Liam lightly grabbed Niall’s hands and rubbed his thumb over the smooth, oily surface. “You’re going to be ok, mate. I’ve got you.” He swallowed the lump that lodged in his own throat. The guilt of not being aware of how much pain his little blonde friend had been in was crushing him. 

Niall looked up to see the tear slide down Liam’s cheek. When he leapt from the chair, Lou let out a startled gasp. She was about to fuss at Niall to get back into the chair, but then she saw the reason for his unexpected departure. Liam’s large, tattooed arms encircled Niall’s smaller frame. The two rocked back in and forth. Lou couldn’t make out the words exchanging between the two, but she couldn’t mistake the sounds of two very distinct soft cries.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short over-arching chapter. Sorry for the shortness!

The boys had returned to the Green Room to find Louis and Harry, now dressed and TV worthy, talking with their production team about the procedures for the afternoon’s taping. This was their second time to be on the entertainment news’ set, but instead of the studio, the plan was for an outdoor taping in the Southern California sunshine. Though it wasn’t a live recording, there was a live audience awaiting their arrival. They would sit for their interview on stage in front of the audience and then perform three songs. 

With cautious eyes, Liam watched Niall retreat to the corner of the loveseat. He pulled his legs into himself and attempted to curl himself into a tiny ball. 

How had he missed Niall’s downward spiral? His little Irish man had always struggled with his anxiety, but recently he had made so many improvements, Liam had completely forgotten about the days of Niall’s discomfort, panic attacks and tears. Now he wondered how much suffering Niall had been doing in private because the other boys were all lost in their own worlds. The younger boy had so much perfecting his carefree and jovial personality that the world never knew his secrets. 

He used to not hide them from the boys. They had spent many hours together sharing their secrets with one another. The forming of their band created a bond closer than brothers and Liam felt a surge of guilt that he had failed his brother. 

“Ten minutes guys.” Wally said as he retreated back out the door to do some final arrangements. 

Liam plopped down on the couch at Niall’s feet. The boy was biting his lower lip until he could taste the familiar iron from the blood. He winced when Liam dropped his hand on his knee breaking his concentration. “You want to grab a sandwich?” 

The thought of consuming food caused a wave of nausea to disrupt Niall’s stomach. “I already ate with Harry.” The lie slipped off his lips with such ease before his brain even processed it. 

Liam didn’t press the issue though he knew Niall was lying. Louis and Harry returned from where they disappeared to looking a tad bit flushed laughing at each other. 

“Everyone good, here?” Louis picked up on the tension Liam was carrying with his furrowed brow. 

And he didn’t miss the look that Niall wore as he dipped his head into his knees. Concern colored him and he was about to press when Liam caught his eye and gave a nonchalant shake of the head. 

“Yup. Yup. All good here.” Liam recovered as he shoved Niall’s legs off the couch and draped a protective arm over Niall’s shoulder. He noted they had a small shake to them.

Soon Wally and the security team had arrived and beckoned them out of the safe haven of the Green Room. The warmth of the summer sun instantly soaked their skin as they were pushed and lead out the studio doors towards the stage. From the moment they were out, the roar of the crowd swarmed around them. 

Niall’s heart pounded in his chest. More so than the regular nerves and excitement of performing. He couldn’t see anything as he trained his eyes to watch his steps, but he could hear them. He couldn’t make out their words, but they just had a collective churning like the waves of the sea that were about to swallow him.

His breaths came in short bursts. Do not freak out. Do not freak out. Do not freak out. Niall command himself.

Liam’s hand all the sudden dropped miraculously onto Niall’s shoulder giving it a small squeeze. It was that small squeeze that released the coming blackness over Niall’s mind, body and soul and grounded him to his current world.

And it was Liam’s constant close proximity that allowed him to sit through the interview process of the the same questions that every interviewer had asked recently. 

“How has it been being a band of four?” “Who keeps in touch with Zayn the most?” “Will One Direction make it without the voice of Zayn Malik?” 

Niall allowed the other boys to answer those questions as the dull pain from the tightness settled over his chest. He concentrated on battling the urge to go after his nail beds. One time bringing his shaking hand to his face, but the waft of the oil churned his stomach. Quickly scratching his nose, he tried to play it off. From the corner of his eye, he caught the small, victorious smile from Liam. He couldn’t help rolling his eyes in his direction. 

The filming cut and soon the sounds guys surrounded them readying the boys with their microphones, mic packs and ear monitors. Niall felt swarmed as he was pulled and pushed by various people. 

His eyes darted around the stage for Liam, but he was being prepped across the way. Hoping he’d just look over and tell him everything was going to be ok, he hadn’t realized he started gnawing on the skin around his pinky nail forging through the bitter taste that now coated his tongue until someone came in and placed his guitar in his hands.

Liam finally looked over once the sound guy who had been hooking him up was through. And just as Niall was wanting, Liam looked at the blonde and mouthed, “I’m here.” It was enough.

And as always, with the first strum of the guitar, Niall felt the lock that surrounds his chest instantly release and he felt the return of his “normal” self. The chords flowed and the words came out for “Night Changes” smoothly.

They transitioned through the next two songs and Niall felt the freedom of performing. He bounced around the stage and laughed with Harry when they shimmied across the stage. The girls in the crowd screamed to intense decibels when Liam wrapped his arm around Niall’s shoulders and they shook their hips in time with the music.

The energy ran through the boys as they wrapped up and they bounded back to the studio where they’d change and move on to the next radio interview session. Harry rode Louis’ back through the halls laughing and cutting up. Liam’s arm draped once again on across Niall’s shoulder. 

“Great show, little buddy.” Liam ran through his hands through Niall’s sweaty blonde hair. “You’re dripping wet.” 

Like a wet dog, water droplets flung as Niall shook his head. He gave Liam a light laugh. With every laugh, Liam’s chest and weight of his concern for his young friend lifted. Maybe this anxiety isn’t too much and everything is fine.


	3. Chapter 3

With four now, radio interviews were a little more controlled. They definitely fit easier in the studio rather than trying to shove five in front of the few microphones stationed around a table. Liam placed himself next to Niall as they walked into the studio of KISS FM. 

Niall sat back and felt the reprieve of his anxiety crumbling with a vengeance replacing with it a painful reminder of how his world was no longer right. Images of their previous times in the studio kept clawing into his memory. Zayn’s laughter filling the small room when he was asked who was the worst bandmate to share a hotel room with. Of course, it’s always Louis, the slob. The memories started slow like a dripping faucet, but then they flooded his mind. The elephant sized knot in his chest made it difficult to breath. Instantly, his fingers went to his mouth. The pull of skin, the taste of copper, reminded him that he, indeed, was alive and he welcomed the pain.

“Niall?” The voice of the DJ finally penetrated his mind. The room was staring at Niall. 

Panic and shame washed over him and he dropped his fingers into his lap. “Sorry, what?” His voice shook.

“What city you looking forward to visiting the most during the tour?” The DJ prompted again.

Ignoring the worried glances happening between Liam, Louis and Harry, Niall gathered himself and responded as casually as possible. “Any place in California where the sun shines for more than three hours a day, I’m in a good place. There are a few places we never made it to on our last tour that I think will be neat to explore like Philadelphia.”

With a satisfied answer, the DJ moved on turning his attention to Harry. Liam’s closed fist landed on Niall’s knee. He swallowed back at the lump that had started to taste like bile before looking up into the older’s dark brown eyes washed with concern. “You good?” Liam mouthed.

His head nodded without thinking, but the corner of his eyes burned as tears waged a war. When did he become the one so easy to cry? That had always been Harry when they were younger. Liam’s eyes examined Niall for a second longer.

Whatever he saw made him flatten his hand and allowed it to rest on Niall’s knee. He had no intention of letting the blonde not feel connected to him the rest of the night. He checked the clock hanging on the wall, they only had ten minutes left in the interview.

The DJ had easily picked up on Niall’s quietness and avoided directing anymore questions to the boy. Liam, Harry and Louis had picked up his slack and took care of him as always. But when the DJ finally asked about Zayn leaving, even Liam’s touch couldn’t keep Niall grounded.

The room swayed and his chest tightened dangerously. Quickly, he ducked his head between his knees trying to gasp a breath, but the air refused to be pulled into his lungs. Liam, as quietly as possible to not be heard on the radio, pushed back and out of his chair. Louis didn’t miss a beat and picked up the conversation. The light that flashes when a microphone was live died on the control panel in front of Niall.

Liam pulled the chair away from the desk and dipped in front of Niall. Pushing Niall up straight, he raised his best lad’s face between his hands. His sea blue eyes flashed quickly in pure panic. With the strength of his childhood dream of a fireman, he picked up Niall from the chair and carried the smaller boy from the room. The DJ had finished his interview and thankfully was able to maintain himself enough that anyone outside the radio station would be unaware of the current situation. 

Doors were opened and the hallways were cleared as Liam carried Niall from the room. The blonde’s head fit securely in the crook of Liam’s neck. Liam could feel the effort of Niall’s chest attempting to catch his breath. A familiar voice could be heard behind him shouting commands to their entourage that always joined them. Security detail swept the bathroom before Liam had arrived.

Niall felt the sturdy counter under him as Liam set him down. “Do we need medics?” Mark, Niall’s personal bodyguard, asked from the doorway. 

Liam gave Niall a quick once over before briefly turning to look at Mark, but his hands stayed on Niall’s shoulders ensuring the boy didn’t fall over. “No. I think I can get him good. No one comes in except Louis and Harry, got it?” 

Mark nodded before he shut the door. Turning back all his attention to Niall, Liam drew in a steadying breath for himself. His heart was racing as well as his brain. He watched Niall’s chest rise in short bursts. The boy was going to pass out unless he got some oxygen. 

The door busted open behind him causing Niall’s tense body to flinch painfully, “What the bloody hell?” Louis shouted as he busted into the small bathroom.

“Panic attack.” Liam answered him. “Louis come here.” 

The oldest boy rushed to Liam’s right side and awaited instructions. “Get a few towels wet with cold water.” Quickly he obeyed and reached for the towels before running them under the cold tap. 

Liam’s hands grabbed Niall’s wrists and he lifted the small, thin arms above the blonde’s head. “You’re going to take a few deep breaths for me now.” Liam instructed a wide-eyed Niall. 

He attempted trying to follow Liam’s firm orders, but the knot had only grown and he couldn’t breathe around it. Louis had joined Liam in his space and wrapped the cold towels around his hot neck thankful for being able to do something. The contrast caused him a sharp intake of air bringing with it a small release of air. Liam gave him the tiniest of encouraging smile.

“Harry, put your hand on Niall’s stomach.” Moving to Liam’s left, he placed a shaky hand right above Niall’s belly button. He gave Liam a questioning look as Liam nodded in affirmation. 

“Press it down.” Liam commanded.

“Like this?” His voice wavered uncertain of how much pressure to use. Niall grunted in response causing Harry’s hand to retreat. “Switch me. I don’t want to hurt him.” Harry mumbled at Liam’s side.

Liam nodded before allowing the long-haired boy to take Niall’s wrists wrapping his slim, long fingers against the white wrists. Liam placed his hand in the center of Niall’s stomach applying enough force to cause a dip in the thin stomach. 

“Nialler, I want you to move my hand with each breath. It doesn’t count unless my hand moves.” 

The blonde didn’t like the attention. He could feel a peak in his anxiety but he closed his eyes and concentrated on doing as Liam had told him. He took a breath again and it was deeper but Liam’s hand didn’t move. “Try again.” Liam coached.

This time the fist moved out with his belly extended just a bit. “Good job. Try again.” 

Again his hand moved and Niall felt the air rushing into his lungs bringing with cool relief. Harry cooed beside him stroking his thumb over Niall’s clenched fists high in the air. Niall didn’t move his focus from his task of moving Liam’s hand. 

“There ya go, Love.” Louis cheered him on as they watched, each in the boy’s personal space. He looked over at Liam with an amazed awe. As many times as they had made fun of Liam being “Daddy Direction”, he was never shocked when Liam knew what to do in sticky situations. 

Soon Niall’s breathing had regulated enough that Liam released his hand and nodded to Harry to lower Niall’s arms. The towels had now become the same temperature as Niall’s body, so Louis dropped those on the counter with a splat. The three boys took a step back allowing Niall some space.

That was when the shame burned across his face. Lowering his head in hands, he hid from the concerned look of his brothers. “I’m sorry.” He whimpered. Embarrassment washing over him. 

Harry was the quickest to wrapped his arms around Niall’s form. The small blonde lowered his head on his best friend’s shoulder and shuddered as he felt empathy for the broken boy. Harry’s hand rubbed up and down Niall’s back. “There’s nothing to be sorry about, mate.” He soothed.

Liam allowed Harry to comfort Niall though his arms felt empty and ached to have his Irishman in them. Louis’ hand ran through Niall’s dusty blonde mop as he, too, encouraged him and comforted him with words.

Listening carefully, Liam finally interjected when he heard the hitch in breath and the shallow breathing return. Lightly weaseling his way between the two bandmates standing, he pushed Niall back to sitting straight and pushed his legs apart to bring himself even more into Niall’s space. 

His eyes brimmed with unshed tears and his body shuddered as the trapped sobs wracked his body. Liam wasn’t going through this again and he knew exactly what Niall needed. His fingers encircled Niall’s wrists with ease and he gave them a strong tug bringing the boy’s attention to him.

Liam could feel the pulsing blood in his fingertips as his fingers wrapped tightly around Niall’s wrists. Niall’s eyes widened as he winced at the pain, but the return of pain opened his lungs.

“You cut that out. Now.” His voice was firm and authoritative. “You start breathing correct right now, or I’m telling Wally to call the medics and you’re going to the hospital. Is that what you want?”

Louis and Harry’s mouths both opened in protest. “Liam.” Louis chastised. “It’s ok, really.” Harry tried to comfort his best mate.

“No.” Liam barked. He felt Niall flinch and he knew later this moment would replay in his mind and he’d feel guilty, but Liam also knew Niall needed a firm hand right now. “Do you want to go to the hospital, Niall James?” 

He was completely in Daddy Directioner mode. Liam fixed a firm glare at the blonde. He looked immensely younger than 22 sitting on the counter, face red and blotchy. Biting his lip, he shook his head and took a deep breath. He released it into Liam’s face who welcomed the warm breath. 

Not releasing his wrists, Liam gave Niall time to regain control of his body. After a few moments, Niall had reigned everything back into his control. Liam watched with satisfaction and smiled when Niall looked up from his lap. “Better.” The blonde forced. 

“Better.” Liam repeated before releasing Niall’s wrists. Blood rushed into Niall’s hands finally. Liam’s grip had restricted the flow of blood to his fingers but the pain had reminded he was alive and someone was there. 

“Can I get off the bloody counter please?” Niall grumbled once he returned to the surroundings realizing he sat atop of a public toilet's counter like a three year old.

Liam’s hand tucked under his armpits and easily lifted Niall back to the floor. Niall rolled his eyes feeling even more like a small child, “Thanks.” 

“Are you ok?” Harry’s voice wavered as he watched Niall gain his footing back on solid ground.

Giving himself a mental one through, Niall looked at his best friend, “Yea I’m good. I’m sorry you had to put up with that.” He grumbled in self-loathing. 

Liam couldn’t help himself. His hand landed with a hefty swat to the back of Niall’s tight jeans. Niall gasped in pain. “What the hell?” He turned to face the largest member. 

“You do not get to apologize and act like that was an inconvenience in our world.” Liam spoke firmly. 

Louis couldn’t help but bust out in a gut busting laugh. “Woah! Liam! Release the Daddy Directioner. That’s taking it to a new level!” 

But Liam held his stare with Niall who looked ashamed. His bright eyes blinked back a few tears feeling overwhelmed by Liam’s reprimand. The bushy, yet well manicured, eyebrows raised over Liam’s eyes. Asking an unspoken question.

“Yes sir.” It was out of Niall’s lips and his face rushed hot. He had just called Liam sir. 

A smile broke out across Liam’s face as he pulled in the young one into his arms. A hand running through his hair. “I love you, Ni.” 

Niall felt his chest swelling, but instead of anxiety, it was warmth. “Love you, too.” He mumbled into the broad chest of the man who held him.

Louis watched almost in shock. There’d be no way if Liam ever smacked him that he’d forgive him so quickly or tell the buffoon that he loved him. 

When Liam’s arm loosened around Niall, the smaller boy nestled into the crook under Liam’s arm. With a small feeling of shame and embarrassment, he reached back and rubbed at the sting left from his swat. “Damn, Li, your children are in for a real rough life.” He joked.

Louis and Harry busted into laughter. Liam just smiled and placed a kiss atop of Niall’s head. “Now that I know it works, I might start giving you a good smack.” 

Niall’s steps stuttered. His mouth dropped, but his wasn’t the only one. Louis and Harry were exchanging shocked expressions. Liam’s gut busting laugh bounced off the tile walls. “Just kidding, lads. Man! If only you could have seen your faces. Where are they cameras when you need them?!” 

The four headed to the door and found Mark and Preston, another member of their security team, blocking the doorway. Mark’s face fell in relief at the sight of Niall. “Everything good, lads?”

Niall felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him and he couldn’t help but turn into Liam’s chest hiding the shame and redness. Liam continued to guide him out of the loo. “Everything is fine.”


	4. Chapter 4

After a quick dinner, where the 1D crew completely filled half the restaurant, the crew all headed back to the hotel. During the tour, they would take up at least three floors of the hotel. With the pre-tour publicity circuit, they had only needed the a floor and a half with their band, security and prep teams. 

Everyone split different directions and said their goodbyes after Wally ran down the next day’s schedule. 

“Anyone up for some FIFA?” Louis prompted as the boys were left standing in the hall, no one particularly ready to separate. 

Though they had talked earlier about exploring the nightlife, they all seemed to understand that a night in was required after Niall’s emotional afternoon. Therefore, Harry quickly agreed. 

“I need to write Sophie, but I’ll join you after.” Liam decided he wanted to explore the rooftop lounge of the hotel. Open air would do him good. “What about you Nialler?”

Niall had been a walking zombie. Liam kept a close eye on him at dinner ensuring that he ate. He picked at most of his burger, but consumed enough to not be too noticeable. His eyelids had easily dropped on the short ride between the restaurant and the hotel. 

As if to answer, he yawned. “I think I might need to sleep.” He said with a light laugh.

Liam ruffled his head. “I think that’s a good idea, little buddy.” 

Louis and Harry, though disappointed, knew that it was for the best as Niall had had a very long day. “Alright, Ni. Sleep tight.” Louis wrapped his arms around Niall. 

After seeing the breakdown in the loo, he now watched Niall with a closer eye. Picking up on Liam’s tension and protectiveness with full understanding. 

When Louis let go of Niall, Harry filled the empty void Niall momentarily felt. “You want some company?” 

It wasn’t uncommon for the boys to share rooms, slumber party style. Especially in the earlier days of their touring, they always seemed to end up sleeping in each other’s rooms. Paul used to joke about wasting money on individual rooms.

But Niall didn’t want the company. “No thanks. I’m good.” 

Harry, disappointed, nodded before letting Niall go. They watched the blonde retreat into his room. “Are you should we should leave him alone?” Harry’s voice wavered when the hotel door closed with a thundering click. Harry visibly flinched at the sound.

At that time, the elevator doors chimed open. The boys held their breath. They really should not have been standing in such a public manner. Though security was tight and fans were always kept away, they still shouldn’t be exposing themselves just in case. 

But stepping out of the elevator and joining them was not a crazed fan or paparazzi. It was Preston. “Lads.” He greeted them sharing the same thoughts they had. He didn’t like them hanging out in the hallways and held back his reprimand. 

Coming to Liam’s side, “Here ya go.” Their long time bodyguard handed Liam a plastic key card. “Let me know if you lads need anything. ‘Night.” 

The other two watched as Preston walk away, confused and unsure of what had just transpired. “What’s that?” Harry asked uncertain of why Liam, who would never lock himself out of his own room, needed an additional room key. 

“Just in case.” Louis understood, but Harry still hadn’t connected the dots. “I’ll check on him later tonight.”

“That’s for Nialler’s room?” Harry finally concluded. He wasn’t surprised Liam would get a key, but he wasn’t sure how he felt about the intruding on his bandmates’ privacy. 

Louis wrapped an arm around Harry’s waist and lead them to his room where they’d spend the evening together. Liam was pretty sure without Niall, they wouldn’t actually be playing any FIFA or any other video game for that matter. He’d be sure to shoot Lou a text before he came over to make sure he was wanted.

In his own room, Liam made a quick pit stop in the loo. After he pulled his laptop from its bag, he headed for the rooftop lounge to write a quick email to Sophie. They hadn’t talked all day which wasn’t unusual, but he was trying to maintain a relationship with her and it had been extremely difficult the last leg of their tour. It had almost ended, but he had promised to try harder. Though they’d have to settle for an email; it was only 4 AM in London Liam calculated. Maybe he could ring her later.

His hair was wind whipped and he welcomed the warmth of the elevator as he headed back down to his room. Hopefully the email would hold Sophie over until they could talk again on the phone, maybe even Skype. He missed her brown eyes and her laugh and most importantly, her warmth. 

As he reached into his pocket for his room key, he remembered the other one tucked into the other pocket. He wondered if he should check on Niall. He pulled out the key to Niall’s room and headed for the younger bandmates’ room. 

His heart pounded in anticipation. He didn’t want to surprise Niall. The boys always respected each other’s privacy in their hotel rooms and Liam wasn’t sure he wanted to use the key to enter unannounced. At the same time, he didn’t want to knock and wake Niall up if he had been sleeping.

Pausing outside the door, he leaned his ear to listen carefully. The faint sounds of the telly could barely be heard, but Liam definitely heard it. Assuming Niall was still awake, he released a held breath and headed back to his room. 

A hot shower eased his tense muscles. Today had not been the day Liam had anticipated getting back to the States. They always loved coming over here where their popularity continually surprised them. He remembered their first time crossing the pond. They were in utter and stupid shock over the size of their fan base. The power of social media and the internet. 

Dressed in a pair of light sleep pants, Liam finally felt the exhaustion of the day catch up to him and he just wanted to sleep. The large King size bed welcomed him willingly. But as he attempted to close his eyes, the nagging feeling of concern for Niall wouldn’t disappear. As if the blonde’s room key called out to him, Liam finally gave in and pushed himself up out of bed.

The hallway stood empty and silent. Niall’s room was across the way from his room, so he quietly padded across the oddly designed carpet. Leaning in again to take a listen, he still heard the telly whispering through the door. He decided to lightly knock in case Niall was still awake.

Niall James Horan was losing his shit. That’s what he told himself when he finally escaped the overly concerned and protective eyes of his bandmates turned brothers. As he entered the crisp and polished hotel room, his stomach rolled with the half-eaten burger from dinner. He made it to the toilet just in time for it to make a reappearance. He hated throwing up. It caused his body to shake and an uncomfortable heat to course through every nerve ending. Covered in sweat now and with his stomach painfully cramping, he decided a shower would be good. 

The hot water cascaded over his pale body. He critically stared at it. In the last few months, he had lost close to twenty pounds. He wished he would handle stress like Liam and attack the gym like it caused all his issues. Or Harry and Louis at least attacked each other in bed burning unnecessary stress and calories away. He, however, had zero control of his body’s reaction to stress and had started losing his mind. Food no longer appeased him. In reality, his body had revolted against him when he ate often causing him to throw it right back up. 

The month off in May had helped. His mum had noticed his stress and weight loss, so Maurie did everything she could get him to eat home cooked meals. When he wasn’t spending time with Theo, Niall slept. A lot. Before he rejoined the boys at the beginning of June, he had begun to feel better. But returning to tour, the same overwhelming feelings of anxiety reared its ugly head and he started repeating his stupid habits. 

Once his usually white skin had taken on a red, burned look, he stepped out of the shower. Staring at his face, a wave of panic returned to him. He hurt from the inside out. His lungs burned in punishment of the attack he had earlier. The reminder brought with it embarrassment and shame. He had had a panic attack in front of a whole radio station. Liam had to carry him out of the studio. He hadn’t remembered how he’d gotten to the loo, so the boys recapped it for him. 

Tears battled and burned, but he pushed the heel of his hands painfully against his eyes to stop them. He hadn’t allowed himself the freedom of tears. He punch his hand into his stomach and tried to move his hand as Liam had done earlier. Except he failed. And a tear slipped down his cheek. Each failure caused him to hate himself that much more. “You’re a failure Niall.” He spat at the reflection. “Can’t even keep your shit together.”

He slammed the light switch and made his way to the bed. Wet hair soaked the pillow as he tossed and turned for a good half hour. Even the telly couldn’t drown his thoughts bouncing around his head. The longer he laid in bed the louder they got and again his stomach rolled. Throwing off the duvet, he stumbled through the darkened room by the light of the telly back to the loo. The bright lights flooded the small room causing the mild headache to flare. 

The migraine twisted his stomach and he found himself kneeling in front of the porcelain throne. The minimum amount of stomach bile filled the toilet. Again he felt the pain and dizziness overwhelm his body. Death would be a kind prize at this point. That’s when he saw his razor in the shower stall and an idea struck his tired and weary mind. 

Pushing up from the cold tile floor, his hand trembled as he reached out for the sharp blade. He just wanted the pain to stop. Actually any kind of physical pain would be better than the emotional pain that seemed to follow Niall like a dark shadow. 

The knock at the door sounded miles away. He didn’t process it. He stared between the shiny blades and the pulsing blood beneath his wrist. A small whisper of a voice told him there was a solution to his pain. It wasn’t loud but with every breath the voice got louder.


	5. Chapter 5

Liam’s own voices battled within his head. Niall wasn’t answering. Should he use the key and potentially upset his friend if he wasn’t asleep or should he just trust that Niall was asleep. The key seemed to burn in his hand. A door opened down the hall causing Liam to pause. 

“Li?” Louis’ voice carried easily across the quiet hall. He padded to Liam’s side in his shorts and a vest. “He, ok?” Concern washing through his voice.

“I’m sure.” Liam tried to reassure himself just as much as Louis. 

“Can I ask you something?” Louis leaned against the wall running a hand through his hair. Liam nodded and came to lean next to Louis. “You think Niall has processed through Z leaving? I mean have you seen any signs?” The younger of the two gave a questionable look. “I mean, ya know. We all processed Zayn leaving differently. You got all angry and attacked the gym, but I heard you on the phone crying a couple of times to Soph or your mum.” 

“Hey.” Liam punched Louis’ arm. “Jerk.” 

“Hey, nothing. You should have seen me when I finally let my anger go and the bawl baby I turned into. And we won’t even get into the mess Harry has been in the last few weeks. But Nialler. He’s been all quiet and brooding. I don’t think he’s let any of it go.” It had been Harry who had actually put the pieces together. Harry cried in Louis’ arms once they got back into their shared room. They shared their fears and pain of watching Niall suffering through his panic attack. 

Liam chewed through Louis’ idea. He hadn’t seen Niall outwardly process Zayn’s leaving, but he had been so caught up in his own world to even think about helping Nialler through his pain. “You think this has to do with Zayn?” 

“Probably not all of it, but yeah. He’s still screwing with us.” Louis spat bitterly. Liam shook his head. Louis may have apologized for the words spewed on Twitter a couple of months earlier but he hadn’t really let go of it. “You going in there?” He nodded towards Niall’s room.

“Not sure. I don’t want to bust in there and he be awake. He might be pissed at me for keying in.” Liam spoke softly releasing a tight breath. 

“I know I’ll sleep better knowing he’s asleep. Just do it.” Louis didn’t mind Liam being the bad guy. 

With a resigned huff, Liam pushed off the wall and knocked softly again waiting. Giving an uneasy glance towards Louis, he swiped the key unlocking the door. “Hey Nialler?” Liam pushed the door open.

Niall, in the bathroom, heard Liam’s voice break through the sorrow that drowned him like the sea. “Li?” He whimpered quietly through the door.

“Niall!” Liam’s voice raised as he found the room empty. “Where are you?” He felt a surge of panic. 

Louis entered the room behind Liam. “Where is he?” 

Liam pushed past Louis in hopes of Niall being in the bathroom. The only place to hide in a hotel room. He pushed open the door for it to be stopped by something. “Niall?” He panicked.

“Leeyum!” He whimpered.

“You’ve gotta move, buddy. Let me in.” He quietly tried to coax the whimpering boy. “Come on.” 

Niall heard Liam’s voice, but he couldn’t process what was being said. He felt like he was stuck underwater. Liam couldn’t budge the door. He looked to Louis. “Nialler, are you hurt? Can you breathe?” 

No response came from the other side of the door. Louis felt a overwhelming sense of panic. What if Niall had done something in there. They had to get to Niall now. 

“Niall. You need to move. Please.” Louis pleaded at the door coming to Liam’s side. 

“Lou?” He could hear Niall’s soft voice shattering his heart.

“Yeah, Love. It’s Lou. Let Li and I in, ok? We’re going to help.” Tears burned at Louis’ eyes. He blinked hard.

Liam pushed again, but finally the door gave a little more and Liam could see into the bathroom. Instantly the smell of vomit burned his nose. And then Liam saw the razor on the floor. “Niall James!” His voice held the authority of his Daddy Direction name he earned years ago. “You move away from this door or I’m going to break it down.”

Louis looked with wide eyes and harshly whispered, “What the hell?” 

“I’m counting to three, Niall. One.” Fear coursed through Niall’s body. He looked at the razor with guilt. “Two.” Liam’s voice carried through the door. He swallowed the lump back in his throat trying to catch his breath. 

“I’m sorry.” He moaned as he fell against the tile floor allowing Liam enough room to push through. 

Instantly he picked up the razor and set it on the counter. “Did you cut yourself Niall?” Liam asked gently stooping down beside him. Louis’ eyes widened to the size of saucers understanding why Liam had gotten so upset.

Niall urgently shook his head, but Liam’s hands were gripping tightly Niall’s wrists searching for any signs of cuts. Finding no cuts on his wrists or arms, Liam continued the search including pulling up the hems of his shorts checking his thighs. He shook his head in the negative to Louis who had tears falling. 

Collecting Niall into his arms, he held tightly and slightly rocked on the tile floor. “Buddy, what’s going on in your head?” 

Niall’s chest heaved over and over again as he attempted to break through the water he swam under. Liam’s arms tightened while his hands rubbed roughly up and down Niall’s arm feeling his own tears fall down his cheeks.

“Niall, let it go.” He tried coaching. “It’s ok to cry.”

The blonde locks shook against his chest. “Why not?” Louis asked. He had lowered himself and now sat with his knees touching Niall’s. 

“Because…” He stuttered. “Be--cause. If. If. I start. I won’t be be able to st-stop.” He felt the weight of his words. 

“We’re here.” Liam soothed. “Just let it go.”

Niall’s breath shuddered with great force. The burning in his eyes felt as if sandpaper had been rubbed against them. “Niall, look at me.” Louis beside him pleaded. Niall tucked his head closer into Liam’s chest.

Liam easily shifted the boy to sit between his legs, pulling Niall in order to rest his back against Liam’s chest. He secured his arms tightly across Niall’s chest. He wanted Niall to feel as much contact with him as possible as he squeezed Niall’s legs closed with his own. Louis scooted to curl as close as possible to Niall as the small hotel bathroom would allow. Reaching his hands out, he rested them over Niall’s trembling hands. 

“Niall, do you see me?” Niall’s blue eyes flickered up to Louis’ face. “You need to release your tears. It’s good for your soul.” He didn’t know how to make Niall understand the importance of letting go of all the built up emotion. 

With a light thud, Niall’s head rested back on Liam’s board shoulder. The mental argument occurring between his ears pounded. Finally the tears won the battle and the slid sadly down his cheeks. “There ya go, love.” Louis encouraged. 

Liam only held him tighter and rocking him while whispering soft words of encouragement and love. Niall’s chest wrecked with uncontrolled sobs as he released his tight grip on his emotions and allowed the pain to flow. 

Not being able to stop himself, Louis had to hold Niall, so he wrapped his arms lovingly around his two best friends. Together they became entangled in each other’s arms as Niall’s tears mixed with both Liam and Louis’. They stayed mixed on the floor for as long as they needed to until Niall sobs softened to a whimper. 

“How about we move to somewhere more comfortable? My ass is getting sore.” Louis suggested with a lopsided smile. 

Liam bit back his cheeky retort as this wasn’t the time to comment and was thankful for the movement as his muscles had stiffened in his tight position. Louis stood first and held his hands out to Niall to help hoist him from Liam’s lap. With ease, Niall was up on his feet and Liam quickly followed. 

“Take him to bed Lou. I’ll be right there.” Liam instructed. He needed to use the loo and needed a moment to collect himself. 

“It’s always been a dream of mine.” Louis responded but not getting the reaction he hoped, he quickly added. “Oh not that way, hun?” 

Niall was too tired to give into Louis’ cheek. He zombie-walked where Louis lead him which was back to the large, soft bed that felt amazing underneath him compared to the hard tile of the bathroom floor. Liam returned with a cup of water and a wet flannel. 

“Take a drink, babe.” He insisted and held the cup out towards Niall. 

Louis took note of Niall’s shaking hands and took the glass from Liam. Niall began to argue stubbornly, but Louis just gave him a weak smile. “Let me please.” With a shy nod, Niall allowed Louis to tilt the glass to his lip. The cool water brought with it a welcomed relief to his parched mouth and throat. 

After he had taken a few gulps, Louis set the cup on the nightstand beside him. Liam, taking the warm flannel, lightly caressed Niall’s face lovingly looking deep into Niall’s blue eyes. The love and attention caused tears to return to Niall’s eyes. “I’m sorry I’m just a mess.” He started.

“Shh.” Louis said before pulling Niall into his chest with an arm around his shoulders. “You’re our mess and we love you.” He kissed the bottle blonde hair. 

Liam returned from the bathroom clicking the light off darkening the room. He found the remote to the telly to black out the room. Coming to the side of the bed, he crawled into the space on the other side of Niall and got as close as possible. “Just sleep tonight, Nialler.” His hand reached out to find Niall’s back and he lightly scratched it as he knew the younger boy liked. 

Louis lowered himself in the bed bringing Niall down with him. The youngest in the bed curled closely between the two older friends. His head resting on Louis’ chest feeling each of the boy’s heartbeats. He reached behind him and searched the darkness for Liam’s hand. Finding it, he pulled it so the larger boy came to spoon behind him. 

He was unconcerned with what this would look like to those outside the world of One Direction. In that moment, he had felt the safest in months. Between his two older brothers. He of course was missing his youngest brother, Harry who he assumed was asleep in his hotel room. His chest ached again as he thought about the other missing brother. Somewhere back in England, Zayn was starting his day without them. Tears returned as he knew they would with the thoughts of Zayn. 

Liam hearing the soft sniffles from Niall return, squeezed closer into the boy. “It’s ok to miss him. I miss him, too.” He whispered in the direction of Niall’s ear. “We’re still here.”

Niall squeezed Liam’s hand tightly holding onto the promise as he closed his eyes and focused on the sounds of Louis’ heart beats and the feeling of Liam’s warm breath on the back of his neck. He was safe. He was loved. The sun would rise tomorrow and they would start working on his pain. But the boys had helped him face a piece of it tonight and he felt just the slightest lighter and healed.


End file.
